a sunday stream of consciousness.

it’s been awhile since i’ve just sat down to write.  write about what’s going on – what i’m thinking and feeling.  i sometimes think about it and then i start thinking about how i have to make it sound good.  i’d have to whip out the thesaurus so i sound smart on the interwebs.  i think about how i need to gather my thoughts and formulate adult opinions on things before my words will mean anything.  i think about how i shouldn’t waste my time filling people in on my little life but instead should probably write about thought-provoking global issues that are affecting our society and humanity as a whole.  or something.

but i don’t want to write that way.  it’s just not my forte.  [no, i did not use the thesaurus for that one].

i’d rather just let my thoughts a’flow.

coming off of catalyst last week,  we hit the ground running.  things are changing [again] in marketing world.  we’re facing yet another transition and the tension that comes with it.  in a meeting with one of our fearless leaders the other day he said, “the option is to just keep going.”  it’s comforting to know i’m not doing transition alone and that even though there could be much frustration and anxiety in the midst of the unknown, i’m really so much at peace.  the lord has been good to me in that way lately.  i’m just peaceful and stable.  which is still new territory for me, but it’s becoming more familiar as the days go by.

i leave for guatemala in the morning.  of course i haven’t packed or really thought much about it.  i’ll only be gone for four days [unless i accidentally get stuck for a few extra].  i’m heading down there to help do a mid-point debrief for our passport team.  it’s been fifteen months since i’ve left the country.  wowzas. it’s about time.  it’s a good thing for me, in so many ways.  i need to travel – even for just a few days – but i also need to start exercising my voice in new ways.  i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t at least a little nervous.  the whole field support, participant thing isn’t something i’m usually involved with.  but i need it. i need to be uncomfortable and be forced to do the thing i’m called to.  i need to be forced to prophesy and pour life into these students and leaders.  i need to, once again, be placed in a position where i have to hear God’s voice in order to move.  even if it’s just for a few days.  it feels good to be trusted with something so important.  it feels good to be a part of people’s development.  and it really, really feels good to have my passport out of the box it’s normally kept in.

i ate cinnamon rolls two days in a row this weekend.  i also stayed in my pajamas for long periods of time, enjoyed four hours around the dinner table with friends, went to a movie, journeyed to the library and purchased travel-sized shampoos.  i love simple weekends.  simple weekends make me feel blessed.

then i come home and read stuff like this.  or watch videos like this.  and i have to wrestle with the blessings again.  i have to reevaluate why i have it so good and other people are suffering so much.  gah.  i hate that internal fight.  i still can’t always reconcile the things i’ve seen and the life i live.  i have to remind myself that in my own way, i am actively choosing to be a part of a solution that is bringing hope to a world.  but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like enough.

and with that weighty question i guess it’s a good place to end this blog?  sometimes i have trouble ending things.  so i just keep talking and repeating myself and coming up with new things to say.  conclusions have never been my strong point.  maybe it’s because i struggle to find resolve.  maybe i should take bob newharts advice and just stop it.

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so, i have questions.

i have a good friend who usually writes a ‘stream of consciousness’ blog on fridays.  i love it when she does this.  i tried it for awhile on my other blog but haven’t maintained it very well.  i mean, i should have.  since i’ve got all kinds of time for it and stuff.  but, alas.  something always pops up.

until now.

so.  we were in the big apple last week on bid-ness.  it took us nearly twenty hours to get there. but,  it was a good time.  except for the part where our gigantic van wouldn’t fit in a parking garage.  and also the time we got so lost we ended up at the newark airport.  twice.  buuuuuut. we met with a bunch of really great organizations and people.  charity water and ijm were probably my favorites.  we learned so many great things about marketing and creativity and missions.  i am definitely still trying to digest it all.  definitely.

we just got home wednesday night and i was back in the office on thursday morning.  apparently emails don’t stop coming in even though i’m out of town.  who knew?  thursday night we kicked off leader training for all of our brave souls taking high-schoolers out this summer.  god bless ’em.  so…i’ll be popping in and out of that all weekend.  should be a good time.

on a different note, people keep asking me how my heart is.  like, random people.  i know they mean well and it’s probably the lord trying to tell me something or get my attention.  but, i think that’s a weird question.  probably i think it’s a weird question because my heart is currently on overwhelmed capacity mode.  so it doesn’t know how it is.  i mostly respond “it’s fine.” and then they just stare at me because they know i’m lying.  but that’s the best answer i can currently muster up.  i don’t really have answers.  to anything.

mostly i have questions. a lot of questions. that just grow and and grow.

questions that i’ll probably never have answers to.  but then i wonder about that.  and then i wonder why i can’t have answers.  and then i wonder about the lord.  and this is where it gets dangerous.  because i start to ask questions about the lord. about his character.  questions about his goodness and his faithfulness and his timing and his plan.  but, i think it’s okay to ask questions.  because it means i’m in the process [which i love] of working some things out. but he doesn’t give me answers.  no one gives me answers.  they just keep asking questions.  which makes me ask more questions.

and then it makes me want to scream. but just sometimes.

do you ever have those moments where you just want to scream?  not even in a bad way.  just in a way that you need to get some kind of release and that seems like the best option at the time?  no? okay, so it’s just me.  cool.

maybe i’ll go do that now.

bet you’re real glad you stuck around for that blog, eh?

mommy, wow. i’m a big girl now.

i was inspired to write a blog this morning when my friend and co-worker sara’s latest popped up in my google reader this morning.

i’m leaving in less than nineteen hours to head out to nyc for a business trip.  business trip. that sounds professional and grown up.  but, don’t worry.  we’re still on business for jesus.  and so we’ll be youth-groupin’ it in our 15 passenger van and sleeping on a church floor.  some things just might not ever change.

i’m gearing up for the 16-hour drive.  well, i’m trying to.  note to self : buy dramamine.  for everyone’s sake.

i have a lot to do before we pull out at 5 am.

. work.  there are all kinds of fun things happening in real life.  but i need to make sure they are all under control before i peace out for six days.

. pack.  oops.  probably should have done that.  we’ve all been instructed to pack our “trendy” clothes.  so we can blend in i guess.  maybe i’ve had to go shopping for a few things.  and i’m still not convinced i’m new york ready.

. celebrate the birth of k.chad.  i’m gonna miss her birthday, so we’re going taking her out to celebrate.  sure to be a good time.  happy one, kel!

. charge iPod.  16 hours in a van.  ’nuff said.

. pay rent.  and bills.

well, i’m new york city bound.  should be a good time.  er, i mean.  an educational and very professional time.  for jesus.  on a church floor.  in trendy clothes.  oh gosh.