so, i have questions.

i have a good friend who usually writes a ‘stream of consciousness’ blog on fridays.  i love it when she does this.  i tried it for awhile on my other blog but haven’t maintained it very well.  i mean, i should have.  since i’ve got all kinds of time for it and stuff.  but, alas.  something always pops up.

until now.

so.  we were in the big apple last week on bid-ness.  it took us nearly twenty hours to get there. but,  it was a good time.  except for the part where our gigantic van wouldn’t fit in a parking garage.  and also the time we got so lost we ended up at the newark airport.  twice.  buuuuuut. we met with a bunch of really great organizations and people.  charity water and ijm were probably my favorites.  we learned so many great things about marketing and creativity and missions.  i am definitely still trying to digest it all.  definitely.

we just got home wednesday night and i was back in the office on thursday morning.  apparently emails don’t stop coming in even though i’m out of town.  who knew?  thursday night we kicked off leader training for all of our brave souls taking high-schoolers out this summer.  god bless ’em.  so…i’ll be popping in and out of that all weekend.  should be a good time.

on a different note, people keep asking me how my heart is.  like, random people.  i know they mean well and it’s probably the lord trying to tell me something or get my attention.  but, i think that’s a weird question.  probably i think it’s a weird question because my heart is currently on overwhelmed capacity mode.  so it doesn’t know how it is.  i mostly respond “it’s fine.” and then they just stare at me because they know i’m lying.  but that’s the best answer i can currently muster up.  i don’t really have answers.  to anything.

mostly i have questions. a lot of questions. that just grow and and grow.

questions that i’ll probably never have answers to.  but then i wonder about that.  and then i wonder why i can’t have answers.  and then i wonder about the lord.  and this is where it gets dangerous.  because i start to ask questions about the lord. about his character.  questions about his goodness and his faithfulness and his timing and his plan.  but, i think it’s okay to ask questions.  because it means i’m in the process [which i love] of working some things out. but he doesn’t give me answers.  no one gives me answers.  they just keep asking questions.  which makes me ask more questions.

and then it makes me want to scream. but just sometimes.

do you ever have those moments where you just want to scream?  not even in a bad way.  just in a way that you need to get some kind of release and that seems like the best option at the time?  no? okay, so it’s just me.  cool.

maybe i’ll go do that now.

bet you’re real glad you stuck around for that blog, eh?

Advertisements

scared.

sitting at starbucks i’ve been working on and off all day long from this big chair by the corner window.  there’s a lot on my mind and so it’s been the kind of day where i check my facebook about 7286 times and click refresh on my email inbox repeatedly.  just because it doesn’t take any energy and in some weird way i still feel productive.

my heart’s heavy today.  there’s a lot going on in my spirit and in my life.  i feel like everything around me is moving at warp speed and all i want to do is scream until it stops moving.  instead i just sit in the middle of it while, without notice, everything switches directions on me.

i’ve been acutely aware of how scared i am lately.  terrified, really.  of pretty much everything.  my grandma put it bluntly last night on the phone.  i sabotage the potential good things in my life because i am so terrified that the outcome might hurt.  it affects my relationships.  it affects my intimacy with the Lord.  it affects my confidence in my gifts and talents.  which affects my job.  my hobbies. my attitude.  everything.

fear has absolutely invaded every area of my life.  and i’m kind of pissed about it.  and my kind of i mean completely.  because fear is the absence of love.  love casts out fear, right?  that’s what it says in 1 john.

there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love.  we love because he first loved us.

at different points in my life i’ve believed these verses and held onto them unreservedly.  they are what inspired me to permanently mark myself almost a year ago.  but they are hard for me to believe today.

the fear seems too big.  i know that’s irrational.  in my head i know how ridiculous i’m being.  but it’s where my heart is at.  scared of the future.  scared of certain relationships.  scared that the Lord will leave.  scared that people will leave.  scared that i’m still not enough.  scared i’m getting stuck.

so.  i’ve got a choice to make.  continue to feed the fear. or. step out in faith and into the love of God.  into what he has for me.  into new places.  new places of freedom and intimacy and creativity and wholeness.  a new place of solidarity.  and that’s what i’m doing.

i’m taking a deep breath while i sip on my white chocolate mocha.  i’m fighting back the tears and putting on strength in the holy spirit as i step out.  i’m positioning myself to take a risk, big or small as it may seem.  even though i’m scared to death, i’m risking things on the Lord.  i’m risking my heart on Him.  with Him.  and i’m doing it because as much as i’m hurt and confused and wondering today somewhere deep down stuck in some hidden crevice i really do believe that it’ll worth it. i really do believe that He is worth it. and that i’ll be all the better for giving Him more ground in my life and heart.

and i guess i really do believe that it will all be okay.