unreconciled.

i have always been a good multi-tasker.  when i’m on a mission i move a million miles a minute and practically run over people who aren’t moving fast enough for me.  i always have multiple screens open on my computer.  i was so the girl texting during class while simultaneously taking notes and chatting with someone next to me.  i skype people and check my email during meetings.  my brain almost never shuts off.  and it works for me.

but.  i am a terrible multi-emotion-all-at-once-haver.  yes, it’s a real thing.

i cannot for the life of me figure out how to reconcile different emotions together.  which, on a general day to day basis isn’t normally a problem.  until disaster strikes and everything goes haywire and there are so many things happening that i don’t know what to do with myself.

today is one of those days where emotions have been amplified and there are so many things going on that i am totally and completely unreconciled.

i don’t understand how the lord can exist in both life and death. in celebration and in grieving.  in new and old; in pain and in joy.  i don’t understand how justice and redemption and restoration works in the middle of circumstances that seem so unfair.

i feel a little more grown up this week as i’ve watched from a distance a dear friend lose someone she loves.  i’ve coupled that with the news that my sister is in labor, about to bring forth life and give me my first niece.  funny how even in bringing forth life there is still so much struggle.

it’s easy to see the lord in the happy things.  it’s not so easy to see him in chaos and disorder.  its not easy for me to find him in the deaths and tragedies.  the tension of finding a good God in the midst of terrible circumstances isn’t something i’ve figured out.  at all.  i find myself smack dab in the middle of asking a lot of questions.  questions i’ve asked before but seem just a bit more pressing these days.  questions that are, once again, forcing me to wrestle down the things i think i know and fight for the answers i don’t yet have.  i’m okay with the questions and i know that the lord is big enough to handle them.  he isn’t moved by my unknowing and i’ve found comfort in the freedom to ask without hesitation or fear.  but as free as i am to ask them, today that isn’t offering much comfort.  and asking a lot of questions from the comfort and safety of my cozy, peaceful home seems futile.

today, i desperately want my friend to not be hurting.  i want people’s hearts to be full, not broken.  today i would like it if i could understand why some things happen or don’t happen.  i wish i could be okay with the fact that life isn’t fair and believe wholeheartedly that god is still good in the middle of it.  today i want to be able to do more than pray for people and hope it means something.

mostly today i just need the lord to be present.  not even so much with me, i just need to know he’s present with them.  to know he’s present with the hurting and with the rejoicing.  and that he’s at the funerals and in the delivery room.  i need to know that he’s with the mourners and those rejoicing.  i need him to remind me that he’s always with us in the struggle and that somehow, at the end of it all, life will come.

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so, i have questions.

i have a good friend who usually writes a ‘stream of consciousness’ blog on fridays.  i love it when she does this.  i tried it for awhile on my other blog but haven’t maintained it very well.  i mean, i should have.  since i’ve got all kinds of time for it and stuff.  but, alas.  something always pops up.

until now.

so.  we were in the big apple last week on bid-ness.  it took us nearly twenty hours to get there. but,  it was a good time.  except for the part where our gigantic van wouldn’t fit in a parking garage.  and also the time we got so lost we ended up at the newark airport.  twice.  buuuuuut. we met with a bunch of really great organizations and people.  charity water and ijm were probably my favorites.  we learned so many great things about marketing and creativity and missions.  i am definitely still trying to digest it all.  definitely.

we just got home wednesday night and i was back in the office on thursday morning.  apparently emails don’t stop coming in even though i’m out of town.  who knew?  thursday night we kicked off leader training for all of our brave souls taking high-schoolers out this summer.  god bless ’em.  so…i’ll be popping in and out of that all weekend.  should be a good time.

on a different note, people keep asking me how my heart is.  like, random people.  i know they mean well and it’s probably the lord trying to tell me something or get my attention.  but, i think that’s a weird question.  probably i think it’s a weird question because my heart is currently on overwhelmed capacity mode.  so it doesn’t know how it is.  i mostly respond “it’s fine.” and then they just stare at me because they know i’m lying.  but that’s the best answer i can currently muster up.  i don’t really have answers.  to anything.

mostly i have questions. a lot of questions. that just grow and and grow.

questions that i’ll probably never have answers to.  but then i wonder about that.  and then i wonder why i can’t have answers.  and then i wonder about the lord.  and this is where it gets dangerous.  because i start to ask questions about the lord. about his character.  questions about his goodness and his faithfulness and his timing and his plan.  but, i think it’s okay to ask questions.  because it means i’m in the process [which i love] of working some things out. but he doesn’t give me answers.  no one gives me answers.  they just keep asking questions.  which makes me ask more questions.

and then it makes me want to scream. but just sometimes.

do you ever have those moments where you just want to scream?  not even in a bad way.  just in a way that you need to get some kind of release and that seems like the best option at the time?  no? okay, so it’s just me.  cool.

maybe i’ll go do that now.

bet you’re real glad you stuck around for that blog, eh?

scared.

sitting at starbucks i’ve been working on and off all day long from this big chair by the corner window.  there’s a lot on my mind and so it’s been the kind of day where i check my facebook about 7286 times and click refresh on my email inbox repeatedly.  just because it doesn’t take any energy and in some weird way i still feel productive.

my heart’s heavy today.  there’s a lot going on in my spirit and in my life.  i feel like everything around me is moving at warp speed and all i want to do is scream until it stops moving.  instead i just sit in the middle of it while, without notice, everything switches directions on me.

i’ve been acutely aware of how scared i am lately.  terrified, really.  of pretty much everything.  my grandma put it bluntly last night on the phone.  i sabotage the potential good things in my life because i am so terrified that the outcome might hurt.  it affects my relationships.  it affects my intimacy with the Lord.  it affects my confidence in my gifts and talents.  which affects my job.  my hobbies. my attitude.  everything.

fear has absolutely invaded every area of my life.  and i’m kind of pissed about it.  and my kind of i mean completely.  because fear is the absence of love.  love casts out fear, right?  that’s what it says in 1 john.

there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love.  we love because he first loved us.

at different points in my life i’ve believed these verses and held onto them unreservedly.  they are what inspired me to permanently mark myself almost a year ago.  but they are hard for me to believe today.

the fear seems too big.  i know that’s irrational.  in my head i know how ridiculous i’m being.  but it’s where my heart is at.  scared of the future.  scared of certain relationships.  scared that the Lord will leave.  scared that people will leave.  scared that i’m still not enough.  scared i’m getting stuck.

so.  i’ve got a choice to make.  continue to feed the fear. or. step out in faith and into the love of God.  into what he has for me.  into new places.  new places of freedom and intimacy and creativity and wholeness.  a new place of solidarity.  and that’s what i’m doing.

i’m taking a deep breath while i sip on my white chocolate mocha.  i’m fighting back the tears and putting on strength in the holy spirit as i step out.  i’m positioning myself to take a risk, big or small as it may seem.  even though i’m scared to death, i’m risking things on the Lord.  i’m risking my heart on Him.  with Him.  and i’m doing it because as much as i’m hurt and confused and wondering today somewhere deep down stuck in some hidden crevice i really do believe that it’ll worth it. i really do believe that He is worth it. and that i’ll be all the better for giving Him more ground in my life and heart.

and i guess i really do believe that it will all be okay.

a rant. and a request.

i don’t like to see my friends hurting.

whether it’s over a family member being sick, support not coming in, a boy, a lie from the enemy, or some big injustice going on in the world that they have absolutely no control over.

i hate to see my friends in pain.

the problem is i also have a really high sense of justice.  and so my reaction is generally to just get mad when i see them struggling.  sometimes i get mad at the circumstances.  sometimes i get mad at the Lord.  sometimes i get mad at the people who do the hurting.  also i’m really good at holding grudges. also, i’ve also gotten pretty good at the being bitter thing.  i know, i know.  it’s not the most healthy way to live my life.  i get it.  really, i do.  and the lord and i are working it out slowly but surely.

anyways, don’t hurt my friends.

just….don’t.  because then i will hurt you.  kapeesh?