a sunday stream of consciousness.

it’s been awhile since i’ve just sat down to write.  write about what’s going on – what i’m thinking and feeling.  i sometimes think about it and then i start thinking about how i have to make it sound good.  i’d have to whip out the thesaurus so i sound smart on the interwebs.  i think about how i need to gather my thoughts and formulate adult opinions on things before my words will mean anything.  i think about how i shouldn’t waste my time filling people in on my little life but instead should probably write about thought-provoking global issues that are affecting our society and humanity as a whole.  or something.

but i don’t want to write that way.  it’s just not my forte.  [no, i did not use the thesaurus for that one].

i’d rather just let my thoughts a’flow.

coming off of catalyst last week,  we hit the ground running.  things are changing [again] in marketing world.  we’re facing yet another transition and the tension that comes with it.  in a meeting with one of our fearless leaders the other day he said, “the option is to just keep going.”  it’s comforting to know i’m not doing transition alone and that even though there could be much frustration and anxiety in the midst of the unknown, i’m really so much at peace.  the lord has been good to me in that way lately.  i’m just peaceful and stable.  which is still new territory for me, but it’s becoming more familiar as the days go by.

i leave for guatemala in the morning.  of course i haven’t packed or really thought much about it.  i’ll only be gone for four days [unless i accidentally get stuck for a few extra].  i’m heading down there to help do a mid-point debrief for our passport team.  it’s been fifteen months since i’ve left the country.  wowzas. it’s about time.  it’s a good thing for me, in so many ways.  i need to travel – even for just a few days – but i also need to start exercising my voice in new ways.  i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t at least a little nervous.  the whole field support, participant thing isn’t something i’m usually involved with.  but i need it. i need to be uncomfortable and be forced to do the thing i’m called to.  i need to be forced to prophesy and pour life into these students and leaders.  i need to, once again, be placed in a position where i have to hear God’s voice in order to move.  even if it’s just for a few days.  it feels good to be trusted with something so important.  it feels good to be a part of people’s development.  and it really, really feels good to have my passport out of the box it’s normally kept in.

i ate cinnamon rolls two days in a row this weekend.  i also stayed in my pajamas for long periods of time, enjoyed four hours around the dinner table with friends, went to a movie, journeyed to the library and purchased travel-sized shampoos.  i love simple weekends.  simple weekends make me feel blessed.

then i come home and read stuff like this.  or watch videos like this.  and i have to wrestle with the blessings again.  i have to reevaluate why i have it so good and other people are suffering so much.  gah.  i hate that internal fight.  i still can’t always reconcile the things i’ve seen and the life i live.  i have to remind myself that in my own way, i am actively choosing to be a part of a solution that is bringing hope to a world.  but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like enough.

and with that weighty question i guess it’s a good place to end this blog?  sometimes i have trouble ending things.  so i just keep talking and repeating myself and coming up with new things to say.  conclusions have never been my strong point.  maybe it’s because i struggle to find resolve.  maybe i should take bob newharts advice and just stop it.

big coats.

growing up i used to always dress up in my mom’s clothes.  i’d wear her t-shirts as night gowns and her night gowns as if i was getting ready to make some grand entrance into a fancy ball.  the shoes were too big, the belts never had enough holes, and pants weren’t even an option because you couldn’t get them to stay up.

and i remember looking at myself in the mirror in my get-up.  i’d strut myself into the bathroom ready to see my new, re-made beautiful self…

and i would laugh.

not like a giggle.  but like a deep, from the belly, “this is the most ridiculous thing i’ve ever seen” laugh.

i feel like all little kids probably go through this same cycle.  you adorn yourself in clothes that you believe will make you look like an adult.  and then you go to check yourself out and you have no other choice but to you laugh at yourself.  because the outfit is just absurd.  even children instinctively know that the clothes is too big and they shouldn’t be wearing it.  it doesn’t make sense.  it just doesn’t fit.

and, well.  that’s where i feel like i’m at.

because i’ve been putting on some bigger coats lately.  and it’s good and exciting and it makes me feel a little bit more like a grown up.  but at the same time, it makes me laugh when i stand in front of the mirror. because the coats don’t fit.  they don’t fit at all.  they’re gigantic. and it doesn’t make any sense why i should be wearing it.  i can feel the weight of the strong cloth resting on my body.  the coat’s so big it almost swallows me.  it’s heavy and fun and new and scary and exciting.  and overwhelming.

mostly overwhelming.

i’m overwhelmed in lots of different ways these days.  overwhelmed with gratitude for the chance to put on a new coat.  overwhelmed with curiosity as to how this whole transition is actually going to play out. overwhelmed with insecurity and restlessness.  because as much as i really want to, i’m just not fully confident in my abilities to rock the new choice in wardrobe.  i’ve been overwhelmed with excitement and hope for what’s on the horizon.  and at the same time overwhelmed at the thought of all of the hopelessness thats operating in the world right now.  i’ve been overwhelmed with thinking too far ahead.  but also overwhelmed by grace to just enjoy right now.

so.  yep.  that’s about it.  no big resolve this time around.  i’m just wearing some coats that are way too big.  i’m sure i’ll grow into them in time.  and then as soon as i grow into one it will be time for a costume change and i’ll get another.  and then i’ll stand in front of the mirror and laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole thing.

my hope, i guess, is that someday the coats i’m putting on now won’t feel so overwhelmingly awkward and heavy.  but that they will be coats that just kind of rest on me softly.  coats that fit to my form and my stature.  coats that i can in fact rock.  coats that makes sense on me.  coats that fit well.  because even though it took me a lot of growing in to, they look good.  they look damn good.